4. The Jesus Prayer, Bone Scan, and CT Scan
When a person is under a lot of pressure, or experiencing pain, trauma, or emotional stress, the mind does not always want to respond with clarity of thought. The heart is racing, the thoughts are frightening, and the lack of control over outside circumstances reduces prayer to simple cries for help.
Orthodox Christians teach a simple prayer intended to help recenter the mind to an accurate understanding of our position before God as sinful human beings and His power to forgive us through His son Jesus. It is more than 1500 years old and it goes like this:
"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have mercy on me a sinner."
As I arrived for my scan appointments at the hospital the day after Christmas 2017 I was apprehensive about what the scans would reveal. Prostate cancer really likes to spread to the bone. If that was my case, it would confirm a stage 4 diagnosis, considered an end stage of cancer. What would that mean? How long could I survive and what would my quality of life be? What about my grandkids? I want to be there when my granddaughters walk the aisle. I want to work and play with my grandsons. My oldest grandson, Wyatt, has already expressed his desire for me to know him after he became a grownup. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
And what about the love of my life? I volunteered to provide for her when I married her. It has been my pleasure to do that well for so many years, am I going to abandon her now? We just began a new business, risking our financial security to do so, and am I now to leave her to run a company she has not been equipped to do? The inventions God led me to create are my inventions, they are not hers. They were my vision, not hers. How will I provide for her if I am incapacitated or dying? Will my illness deplete our resources to the point that she is left with nothing when I die? Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
I remembered Jesus on the cross, watching his own mother as she watched him die. It is argued that she was a widow by then, and in addition it is argued that Jesus was her only son - his brothers actually step brothers by all accounts. He said very few words while on the cross, but among those words were a command to one of his disciples to take responsibility for his mom. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
I was encouraged to know that Jesus understood the nature of my own desire to provide for my own wife and I prayed for the ability to do just that no matter what happens to me through this illness. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
I was brought back to begin the bone scan and was strapped to a table, made to be motionless as a flat plate was positioned to within an inch or so of my face, encouraging claustrophobic tendencies on top of the other jumble of thoughts and emotions. The Jesus Prayer. Over and over. The Jesus prayer. What a wonderfully simple and beautiful way to lay my cares before the son of God. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
When the bone scan was done, the tech asked some questions, some of which implied that there was evidence of cancer in the bones. Or did he not imply that? Was it just me rushing to interpret words that were not spoken? Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
On to the CT scan, and an IV of weird fluid that made me feel warm all over, then the machine whirled and whined. Done. Change out of my borrowed paper shorts and into my street clothes, drive home and await the results. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
Days later and another consultation with Dr Wang where it is revealed that yes, the cancer has spread to my pelvis. It is visible in 5 or 6 locations, and although bad news, it could have been worse. It could have been in my spine, or worse, my ribs. Prognoses get worse and worse as the cancer travels up the bones of the body. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
At Halloween, or any other time for that matter where skeletons are depicted, I like to point out the section of Psalm 139 where it states "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place..." God saw our bones being formed in the wombs of our mothers. God also sees every one of my bones as each are exposed to cancer. My cancer doesn't stress God out. He will walk with me through it as long as it is in my body. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
The CT scan revealed an aneurism in my abdomen. One more thing to cause concern, yet without the cancer, the CT scan would not have been performed, and perhaps the untreated and unknown aneurism would cause death long before cancer could do its worst? Or maybe not. An appointment has been scheduled with a vascular surgeon to assess it and consider whether or not there is a need for treatment. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
Clearly, treatments needed to begin soon. Dr Wang had attempted to schedule Androgen Depravation Therapy as soon as possible. I didn't know what that was, but he said it was the first line of attack in the standard of care. We were waiting for a call from the local hospital to begin these injections. We were also waiting for a call from UC Davis for an appointment. Each time I called UCD, they said they had not approved the referral yet, and because of the volume of potential patients, they may never accept me. Painfully fresh in my mind was the recent loss of my sister Darlene to a ferociously aggressive cancer, and I had to wonder just how fast cancer was trying to kill me? Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
UC Davis finally called and said they approved my referral. Then they told me the date of the appointment - literally months away! Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
I mentioned that my cancer was stage 4. Is there really nothing sooner? "Hold please" And then, "We will work you in this week." Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
Thank you Sweet Jesus, Holy Son of God, for your mercy to me, a sinner.
Orthodox Christians teach a simple prayer intended to help recenter the mind to an accurate understanding of our position before God as sinful human beings and His power to forgive us through His son Jesus. It is more than 1500 years old and it goes like this:
"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have mercy on me a sinner."
As I arrived for my scan appointments at the hospital the day after Christmas 2017 I was apprehensive about what the scans would reveal. Prostate cancer really likes to spread to the bone. If that was my case, it would confirm a stage 4 diagnosis, considered an end stage of cancer. What would that mean? How long could I survive and what would my quality of life be? What about my grandkids? I want to be there when my granddaughters walk the aisle. I want to work and play with my grandsons. My oldest grandson, Wyatt, has already expressed his desire for me to know him after he became a grownup. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
And what about the love of my life? I volunteered to provide for her when I married her. It has been my pleasure to do that well for so many years, am I going to abandon her now? We just began a new business, risking our financial security to do so, and am I now to leave her to run a company she has not been equipped to do? The inventions God led me to create are my inventions, they are not hers. They were my vision, not hers. How will I provide for her if I am incapacitated or dying? Will my illness deplete our resources to the point that she is left with nothing when I die? Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
I remembered Jesus on the cross, watching his own mother as she watched him die. It is argued that she was a widow by then, and in addition it is argued that Jesus was her only son - his brothers actually step brothers by all accounts. He said very few words while on the cross, but among those words were a command to one of his disciples to take responsibility for his mom. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
I was encouraged to know that Jesus understood the nature of my own desire to provide for my own wife and I prayed for the ability to do just that no matter what happens to me through this illness. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
I was brought back to begin the bone scan and was strapped to a table, made to be motionless as a flat plate was positioned to within an inch or so of my face, encouraging claustrophobic tendencies on top of the other jumble of thoughts and emotions. The Jesus Prayer. Over and over. The Jesus prayer. What a wonderfully simple and beautiful way to lay my cares before the son of God. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
When the bone scan was done, the tech asked some questions, some of which implied that there was evidence of cancer in the bones. Or did he not imply that? Was it just me rushing to interpret words that were not spoken? Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
On to the CT scan, and an IV of weird fluid that made me feel warm all over, then the machine whirled and whined. Done. Change out of my borrowed paper shorts and into my street clothes, drive home and await the results. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
Days later and another consultation with Dr Wang where it is revealed that yes, the cancer has spread to my pelvis. It is visible in 5 or 6 locations, and although bad news, it could have been worse. It could have been in my spine, or worse, my ribs. Prognoses get worse and worse as the cancer travels up the bones of the body. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
At Halloween, or any other time for that matter where skeletons are depicted, I like to point out the section of Psalm 139 where it states "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place..." God saw our bones being formed in the wombs of our mothers. God also sees every one of my bones as each are exposed to cancer. My cancer doesn't stress God out. He will walk with me through it as long as it is in my body. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
The CT scan revealed an aneurism in my abdomen. One more thing to cause concern, yet without the cancer, the CT scan would not have been performed, and perhaps the untreated and unknown aneurism would cause death long before cancer could do its worst? Or maybe not. An appointment has been scheduled with a vascular surgeon to assess it and consider whether or not there is a need for treatment. Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
Clearly, treatments needed to begin soon. Dr Wang had attempted to schedule Androgen Depravation Therapy as soon as possible. I didn't know what that was, but he said it was the first line of attack in the standard of care. We were waiting for a call from the local hospital to begin these injections. We were also waiting for a call from UC Davis for an appointment. Each time I called UCD, they said they had not approved the referral yet, and because of the volume of potential patients, they may never accept me. Painfully fresh in my mind was the recent loss of my sister Darlene to a ferociously aggressive cancer, and I had to wonder just how fast cancer was trying to kill me? Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
UC Davis finally called and said they approved my referral. Then they told me the date of the appointment - literally months away! Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
I mentioned that my cancer was stage 4. Is there really nothing sooner? "Hold please" And then, "We will work you in this week." Lord Jesus Christ son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
Thank you Sweet Jesus, Holy Son of God, for your mercy to me, a sinner.
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