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In the Fear of God and With Faith and Love, Draw Near

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The words in the post title are the extremely meaningful words spoken by the Orthodox priest as he comes out of the altar carrying the precious Holy Mysteries of Christ in the chalice as we who are Orthodox Christians come forward to receive His Body into our bodies. After a full year between blog updates, I am not planning to proselytize in this post, but these words of the priest are so incredibly appropriate because when one is physically deteriorating in cancer, and drowning in pain, one must fear God, and draw near with his or her whole heart, otherwise the battle is meaningless. And 2024 has been the most physically painful year of my life. In late 2022 I described a potentially miraculous treatment called Pluvicto, a targeted radioactive therapy that was just being made available to metastatic Prostate cancer patients. I was to be one of the first 10 or so to receive it at UC Davis and after many delays and a PSA that was shooting up to a high of 43.5, I finally received confirm...
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When Angels Push

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 I want to give you an update on the new treatment, and I will, but I also really want to share the craziness of the past week. We're on vacation. Sort of. Our family - Juli's side - has been meeting together in Oregon every year in July since about 1976. It's a wonderful week of renewing relationships with aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, and boyfriends. Well, I was a boyfriend of Juli's in 1976 and I did sneak under the "Family Reunion" rules for awhile until "we" could be made official. We swim, boat, ski, chat around a campfire, introduce ourselves to new babies and new puppies, and cry a little over those of the first and second generations of these reunions who have passed away, one as recently as July. But I was radioactive. My 2nd of 6 treatments was the Wednesday before the weekend the reunion began and the radiation safety rules say clearly that I need to stay 3 feet away from other human beings for 3 days. If that was all, then we ...
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The Indy 500 and the Saints. New Treatment Begins Tomorrow.

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I admit I am a bit nervous about tomorrow. I've done the paperwork, had a final blood draw today, and am planning to arrive at 10:30AM for my 11:00AM infusion. Last Friday night I was nervous also. I knew I needed to prepare spiritually for this, because as I've written before, "My Healing is God's Secret." I want to be prepared to accept whatever comes from His hand, and that includes the possibility of a massive meltdown failure of the drug, a catastrophe in my body, or what... complete healing? Partial success or an extension of life but with ugly side effects? I mentioned St. Nektarios of Aegina previously, but we also love St. John of Shanghai and San Francisco who is notable for many miracles including the raising of the dead while he was alive, and many healings since his repose. As I prepared to pray an akathist to St. John, asking him for help, I had some crazy thoughts. Is there jealousy among the saints? I mean, last week I was praying an akathist to ...
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A Year of Deterioration. With Hope.

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On December 14, 2021 my PSA numbers began to indicate that the Study Drug protocol I was on was entering a stage of failing effectiveness, a stage where the prostate cancer cells were beginning to figure out how to reproduce in spite of the drugs that were being used to suppress them. I had been experiencing success far greater than expected up to that point with a PSA value that alternated between "undetectable" and 0.1. According to one estimate, this drug protocol might be effective for only 8 months total, yet I was flourishing on the program going on ~3 years. To that point in December, every time my PSA would fluctuate from "undetectable" to 0.1, our anxiety about the following month's blood draw would peak, then we would experience relief as the number would again drop to "undetectable," but this time, it remained at 0.1. It was the first time the number had remained detectable for two months in a row, and was cause for us to mentally prepare fo...
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"Your Healing is God's Secret"

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  God's incredible kindness was shown to me last week.   My current cancer treatment protocol is failing. My PSA (Prostate Specific Antigen) has been steady at less than detectable to barely detectable for the entire two and a half years I’ve been participating in a drug trial which uses a combination of two cancer treatment oral pills, combined with hormone deprivation therapy. The average success period is about eight months according to one of my advisors, so four times the average isn’t bad. But now the PSA is slowly rising. When it fluctuated between 0.0 and 0.1, it always went back to 0.0 in time for the following month’s blood draw. But recently it stayed at 0.1 for two months in a row and then steadily climbed with a mild acceleration - jumping 2 points, then 3, etc… It won’t be long now before they see it as ineffective and it will be time to look for a new treatment.   People with cancer often hope for miracles. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read or heard...
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Are You Happy Now?

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A young woman walked into the waiting area and spoke with the women behind the covid plexiglass barriers, something about wondering where other members of her family were. She walked slowly past me to a seat like mine at the end of the row and sat down. After a few minutes another woman, a sister I think, came into the room and the two women made eye contact. As she went to sit with her she asked, "Do you feel like you've been put through the ringer?" I was sitting in an institutional padded waiting room seat next to an institutional end table, oddly shaped with 2 levels, and bare except for a box of tissues. It's a place to put my coffee while I read my book and wait to hear my name called. Juli waiting with me at the Cancer Center I was reading a book by Rod Dreher called "Live Not By Lies." It's a book I'm finding hard to put down as Rod interviews many people who suffered under Soviet totalitarianism. The title comes from a quote by Alexandr Solz...
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37. "I Just Want My Life Back"

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These were the words of a woman, just a few short years older than I, as she vomited for a second time into an emesis bag while receiving chemo through her implanted port. I was across the small treatment room in an identical recliner also receiving chemo, hearing her retching through anguished tears.  At least I  think  she was older than I. Cancer ages people. And while life-extending, cancer drugs can significantly alter physiology. PSA Chart. The first low in 2018 was at the end of Chemo. Last year you can see the steady rise prior to the new protocol, and the stark drop-off after. My life right now includes PSA numbers that have been excellent for the past year. My treatment consists of a daily pill regimen combined with testosterone suppression. It has not been without cost. I was never going to win any body-building contests with my frame, but I was wiry and reasonably strong even into my fifties from years of tossing tires around. When I started treatments for Pro...
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