37. "I Just Want My Life Back"

These were the words of a woman, just a few short years older than I, as she vomited for a second time into an emesis bag while receiving chemo through her implanted port. I was across the small treatment room in an identical recliner also receiving chemo, hearing her retching through anguished tears. At least I think she was older than I. Cancer ages people. And while life-extending, cancer drugs can significantly alter physiology.

PSA Chart.
The first low in 2018 was at the end of Chemo.
Last year you can see the steady rise prior to the new protocol, and the stark drop-off after.

My life right now includes PSA numbers that have been excellent for the past year. My treatment consists of a daily pill regimen combined with testosterone suppression. It has not been without cost. I was never going to win any body-building contests with my frame, but I was wiry and reasonably strong even into my fifties from years of tossing tires around. When I started treatments for Prostate cancer three years ago, I learned that it thrives on testosterone, so the first thing they did was give me shots to suppress production. The shots were to be administered every 90 days and were quite expensive, and I was advised that I would never be free of those shots for as long as I lived. I eventually opted for a procedure that eliminated the need for the shots. The daily pill regimen begun a year ago has been very effective as my PSA had started to climb again. I really have no idea what the pills do besides create additional unpleasant side effects.

Since diagnosis, my muscle mass has slowly deteriorated. I simply cannot pick heavy objects up like I used to and on occasion I’ve had to ask Juli to open a jar of pickles or jam or whatever. It is humbling. I bruise more easily. I damage tendons and muscles more easily. If a dog jumps on me while I’m wearing shorts, I’ll have a red scratch for weeks wherever the claws touched me.

After beginning the new drug protocol a year ago, I began to experience nausea and a significant loss of energy to go with my weaker frame. I needed naps. I would pause a step or two from the top of the stairs to catch my breath. We received an ocean container of product in early summer this year and I reached a point where my stamina gave out and I walked over to a chair and collapsed for awhile.

Unloading a container

Knowing my life was being extended by the drugs, at no time did I wish I was off them. I had to accept that what was happening to me was being offered from the Hand of God. I may not have been comfortable, but I was alive, and further, I appreciate what God is doing to correct my spirit as I humble myself beneath His kindness. He didn’t ever promise me a “best life now,” He promised “I will never leave you or forsake you.” When I suffer, I remember the suffering of Christ, and try my best to accept suffering as He did, without complaint, and with His help.

Surprisingly to me I was also gaining weight. I’m not sure if it was reaching out for comfort food more often to feel better, or if it was just one more physical change as the lack of testosterone also changed my metabolism. My weight in High School was about 155 lbs and I was at my healthiest and most fit. (Oh to be young!!) By the time I was in my fifties, I weighed in the low to mid 170s depending on how “good” I was being. Unfortunately, cancer and cancer treatments had helped me slowly gain weight until I actually hit 200 one day. That milestone caused a reaction to my food-consciousness that helped me get the weight back down to from 192 to 196. Still too high, but I often justified the comfort food with thoughts like “Well, you have cancer, and that is hard enough, and the drugs are the real cause so eat what you want.”

Interestingly, in mid-summer this year, my best friend from High School visited for a relaxing afternoon in the hot sun, standing in the pool under the palm trees, chatting about anything we wanted to chat about. In the midst of the day he brought up a documentary called “Forks Over Knives,” about the health benefits of a whole-food plant-based diet. Because of our being Orthodox Christians, Juli and I are familiar with vegan diets during fast days and longer fasting periods prescribed by The Church. But I eat vegan during fasts out of obedience, not by personal preference, so I really did not want to watch the documentary. Yet the reason he brought it up was because it had helped him control diabetes without medications, and he claimed that animal protein is actually a root cause of many diseases including cancer, heart disease, etc… So within a week, Juli and I bought it on Prime Video and watched it.

Darn it.

I was unable to unlearn what I had just learned, and I immediately committed to a whole-food plant-based diet from that day on. Not just vegan, because you can be just as unhealthy on processed store-bought “vegan” junk food. I immediately began to lose weight. In fact, I’m now into the 4th month of eating WFPB and I’ve lost about 30 pounds. I weigh about 165 to 168, roughly 10 pounds more than high school. But the greatest noticeable advantage has been the regaining of energy. We have received two ocean containers of product since summer and Juli has exclaimed her amazement at my stamina. My work ethic is back. I no longer stop on the stairs to catch my breath, and I just feel a bit more normal.

Green Smoothies have become a part of life.

Because the drug protocol I'm on is part of a study, the study drug company has my blood tested monthly and scans done every 90 days. It has been impressive to watch my numbers improve, especially cholesterol and blood pressure. Before going WFPB, my cholesterol was at the upper limit before having to go on statins. My blood pressure was close to borderline, but partly because higher BP is a natural side-effect of the drugs. Yet each month since Summer, I’ve watched my BP drop to very healthy levels, the last one 107/71.

“The Lord helps those who help themselves” is really bad theology. A better explanation might be termed cooperation with God. Cooperation through humble obedience. Pride will keep us from doing all kinds of things God wants us to do, and I’m often too stubborn and ignorant to know what consequences I’m accepting, even inviting, into my life because I ignore God.

As Orthodox Christians, Juli and I have a family altar known as an “icon corner” in our home where we participate in daily prayers before icons of saints, who we believe participate in prayer with us before the throne of God. The wooden icons themselves should never be mistaken for the people they represent, in the same way a favorite photograph of a grandchild or child could never be mistaken for your grandchild or child. But just like a photo helps one remember the child, an icon helps us remember we are not alone in prayer.

Praying along with an Orthodox Church during the Covid shut-down

Why do I bring this up? Because my patron saint is the Holy Prophet Daniel, and his icon is prominently placed in our icon corner. After beginning the WFPB diet, I was amazed at how quickly I had seen improvement, and as I was praying one day, I suddenly realized that my patron saint was the quintessential vegan in the Holy Scriptures. Remember how he was taken to Babylon in captivity and to prepare him for service to the king, he was to be given rich foods and meat? His response was to claim that all he (and his friends - the “Three Holy Youths”) needed for perfect health were fruits and vegetables. He claimed that if they were compared to the other “trainees” after only 10 days, the difference would be obvious, and it was! As a meat-loving, milk-drinking, cheesy pizza devouring American, I always assumed this 10 day time period was another miracle. But it isn’t. It is reality even today. I thought it was funny as here I was all excited about this "new" program I was on and I felt like The Prophet Daniel was laughing behind the icon saying to me "I know!!!" And just maybe he had been praying for me to "discover" this for quite some time?

My Prophet Daniel icon

Chasing after health for the sake of health is ultimately a worthless goal. But accepting a cooperative relationship with God, a deep communion with God, is the most worthy goal of all. I had to learn to be willing to suffer or succeed. To be willing to enjoy food or fast from it, accepting illness from His Hand or physical vitality from His Hand. Our physical bodies are temporary after all, so doesn't it make sense to prepare for eternity?

This is life.

There will come a time when all suffering will cease.Those who have prepared themselves for the Holy attention of God during this life will experience His Presence in eternity as the fullness of joy. Those who have squandered this life on themselves will not be able to avoid Him in eternity, and they will experience His Presence as exceptionally painful.

Life in Christ is eternal. I want my best life in Christ.