34. The Manner of our End.
"Hi Dan, this is Darlene. Can you call me back when you get this message?"
New iPhone last week, contacts transferred, voicemails also. There are several I had saved to remember my Mom, who died in March of 2017, and then there was this one from my sister Darlene who recorded those words on July 16, 2017. She kept her voice level, but wanted me to call her back so she could tell me she had been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer, a death sentence with an appointment in 5 months on December 7, in 2017. Two years ago today.
Two years ago today, I was also diagnosed with cancer. At the time, we were still hopeful it was Stage 1 with an excellent prognosis, but it was not to be. Stage 4, with a 3-5 year prognosis, and now 2 years have passed. Several months ago I began planning for my funeral and burial. It really bothered Juli, I understand, but it really needs to be done. I do not want that day to arrive and have her on her own trying to think, "what now?"
In a conversation with our priest, he described the experience of a friend of his. The man's wife had passed and they had made no plans. In his grief, the man had a greatly reduced ability to think critically. With every recommended choice offered in the hurried planning of his wife's burial, the man just agreed. When the bills arrived, the total came to over $38,000. Our priest gave some good advice at that point: "It doesn't matter if you're in your mid-thirties and perfectly healthy, it is never too early to plan for your funeral." We're still not ready, but at least we are working on it.
The thing is, we are Orthodox now, and much is different. Orthodox Christian burial is done without embalming, and cremation is out of the question. As I began investigating, I decided to check the website at St Anne Orthodox Church in Corvallis, Oregon. (Even though we live in N. California, our families have roots all around Corvallis and if we ever move back to Oregon, it would probably be in the Corvallis area so we could be a part of St Anne. Part of the reason is that they livestream their beautiful Divine Liturgies and when I was stuck at home during chemo sessions, St Anne Orthodox Church was both worship and education for us as we were becoming Orthodox during those months.)
When I brought up the website, I decided to click on their "ministries" tab and there it was: "St Daniel Burial Assistance." I contacted the church and the people on the team connected with us, sent us a resources binder, and so began a difficult but necessary task. Interestingly, depending on exactly how frugal we want or need to be, with their help the entire cost of funeral and burial can be under $3000. I began looking at Orthodox caskets and coffins. Did you know the two are different? A coffin is one of those 6-sided boxes, wide at the shoulders and narrower at the head and feet. Several Orthodox monasteries hand-build wooden coffins for people, often with the Trisagion prayer stenciled in gold around the perimeter and a beautiful Russian Orthodox cross on the cover. Caskets are rectangular.
As I read about the history of caskets elsewhere, I discovered that many people were strongly against the use of rectangular caskets, especially the elegant beautiful caskets with white lacy pillows and coverings. They felt that it was an attempt to hide the stark reality and finality of death. Your loved one appears to be sleeping, not dead. Or maybe you can have your body propped up in a corner like one rapper arranged, as though he was not only not sleeping, he was just chillin' there. Chilling his guests more likely! But death is nasty. Your loved one was here, laughing, breathing, stealing your dessert and playing jokes on you one minute, and the next minute all you have is memory.
Jesus defeated death by dying. We should have a clearer understanding of death, because if we do, we will have a clearer understanding of how to live.
My PSA started rising again a few months ago. We got about 18 months out of the first protocol, the first counterattack against the disease. The next protocol in line is a very expensive drug, a daily set of pills, that cost around $10,000 a month. Our insurance will only pay for so long before we hit the lifetime maximum, so we were hoping for a drug trial that included the drug we need. We were very fortunate to have one offered to us and I began taking those pills about 3 weeks ago. The side effects are uncomfortable, mild nausea, mild headache, feeling the need to take a 10 minute nap before bedtime so I have the energy to pray before sleep.
Included in the trial are body scans, bone scans, heart monitoring, endless vials of blood draws, a hand-written diary and an electronic tablet to track pain medications if they are needed.
And appointments.
The next one will be all day. I'll arrive, fasting, in the morning where they will draw blood. An hour later, 2 hours later, 4 hours later. Add it up and it's an 8 hour visit. Can't wait. I already look like a heroin junkie in the crook of the elbow after a blood draw.
It's too early to know if it's working, but we are hopeful. Remaining time is so compressed. Not five months compressed like it was for my sister, but when you start a new protocol, you kind of think it's going to work for a year or two. Then they tell you that 4 months is common before cancer figures out how to defeat the new protocol. Average effectiveness is only 8 months. They say some people blow through all the protocols really fast and then their body is defeated, life taken, death imminent.
Did you know that the Orthodox Church prays for the dead every single week in the Divine Liturgy? There are also several very special prayers for family members, loved ones, Orthodox and Non-Orthodox. Even prayers for evil men who have died, as their suffering must be great, and if Christ loved them, so should we. So we pray.
Juli's mom passed away this year and so Juli and I prayed every day for 40 days a simple prayer "for the departed." A short time ago, a beautiful young girl perished in a horrible car accident. Her parents served with us at our former church, and our daughter served children together with this sweetheart of a girl. Her death was sudden, real, and untimely. There is no way to soften that blow. Every night for 40 nights I prayed the Akathist for those who have fallen asleep, a beautiful poetic arrangement that teaches about death as well as providing a way for the living to ask: "O Lord of unutterable love, remember thy servants who have fallen asleep."
"Memory Eternal." A phrase used often in the Orthodox Church to encourage others in the midst of death. Somebody dies, and nearly all the comments are "memory eternal." I didn't exactly get it. Whose memory? Who is doing the remembering? Are we hoping people will remember the departed? I asked the question in a closed Orthodox FaceBook group and received some wonderful answers. It is a prayer. A prayer to God, asking Him to remember the loved one. In essence, please accept the name of our loved one in the Lamb's Book of Life. But what is it derived from? It must be an abbreviation, but of what? In our Divine Liturgy we often hear a person named such as a Metropolitan, Archbishop, President of the United States, or "all those in authority" followed by the phrase "May the Lord our God remember in his kingdom..." Was that it?
A priest in the group finally explained that it comes from the final prayer of an Orthodox funeral service, pasted here directly from the service book:
Priest: May Christ our true God, Who rose from the dead, have mercy on us; He Who as Immortal King has authority over both the dead and the living. Through the intercessions of His spotless, pure, and holy Mother; of His holy and just friend Lazaros, who lay in the grave four days; of the holy and glorious forefathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob; may He give rest to our brother (sister), who has departed from us, and number him (her) among the just and holy, through His goodness and compassion, as our merciful God.
Everlasting be your memory, O our brother (sister), who are worthy of blessedness and eternal memory. (3).
It is a corporate prayer to God to "remember" our loved ones! To be alive in the mind of God is to truly live. That time between our death here and our resurrection with new incorruptible bodies is a bit of an unknown isn't it? But the Church has lead the way in this as well. After reading the "final prayer" shared by the priest in that FaceBook group, I had tears streaming from my eyes as I imagined a funeral service that did not include an attempt to soften the blow of death, or list all the nice things I have done, while ignoring the fool I have often been, but a service that humbly recognizes death is ugly and painful, and there is only one place to turn, and the Church leads the way with humility and obedience to the throne of Christ.
None of us will get out of life alive. Shouldn't we be prepared?
Memory Eternal, for my parents, Darlene on this day especially, my other sisters and brothers who have passed, Juli's Grandmother and Mother, and sweet and precious Leah.
New iPhone last week, contacts transferred, voicemails also. There are several I had saved to remember my Mom, who died in March of 2017, and then there was this one from my sister Darlene who recorded those words on July 16, 2017. She kept her voice level, but wanted me to call her back so she could tell me she had been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer, a death sentence with an appointment in 5 months on December 7, in 2017. Two years ago today.
Two years ago today, I was also diagnosed with cancer. At the time, we were still hopeful it was Stage 1 with an excellent prognosis, but it was not to be. Stage 4, with a 3-5 year prognosis, and now 2 years have passed. Several months ago I began planning for my funeral and burial. It really bothered Juli, I understand, but it really needs to be done. I do not want that day to arrive and have her on her own trying to think, "what now?"
In a conversation with our priest, he described the experience of a friend of his. The man's wife had passed and they had made no plans. In his grief, the man had a greatly reduced ability to think critically. With every recommended choice offered in the hurried planning of his wife's burial, the man just agreed. When the bills arrived, the total came to over $38,000. Our priest gave some good advice at that point: "It doesn't matter if you're in your mid-thirties and perfectly healthy, it is never too early to plan for your funeral." We're still not ready, but at least we are working on it.
The thing is, we are Orthodox now, and much is different. Orthodox Christian burial is done without embalming, and cremation is out of the question. As I began investigating, I decided to check the website at St Anne Orthodox Church in Corvallis, Oregon. (Even though we live in N. California, our families have roots all around Corvallis and if we ever move back to Oregon, it would probably be in the Corvallis area so we could be a part of St Anne. Part of the reason is that they livestream their beautiful Divine Liturgies and when I was stuck at home during chemo sessions, St Anne Orthodox Church was both worship and education for us as we were becoming Orthodox during those months.)
When I brought up the website, I decided to click on their "ministries" tab and there it was: "St Daniel Burial Assistance." I contacted the church and the people on the team connected with us, sent us a resources binder, and so began a difficult but necessary task. Interestingly, depending on exactly how frugal we want or need to be, with their help the entire cost of funeral and burial can be under $3000. I began looking at Orthodox caskets and coffins. Did you know the two are different? A coffin is one of those 6-sided boxes, wide at the shoulders and narrower at the head and feet. Several Orthodox monasteries hand-build wooden coffins for people, often with the Trisagion prayer stenciled in gold around the perimeter and a beautiful Russian Orthodox cross on the cover. Caskets are rectangular.
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| An Orthodox Coffin and Funeral |
As I read about the history of caskets elsewhere, I discovered that many people were strongly against the use of rectangular caskets, especially the elegant beautiful caskets with white lacy pillows and coverings. They felt that it was an attempt to hide the stark reality and finality of death. Your loved one appears to be sleeping, not dead. Or maybe you can have your body propped up in a corner like one rapper arranged, as though he was not only not sleeping, he was just chillin' there. Chilling his guests more likely! But death is nasty. Your loved one was here, laughing, breathing, stealing your dessert and playing jokes on you one minute, and the next minute all you have is memory.
Jesus defeated death by dying. We should have a clearer understanding of death, because if we do, we will have a clearer understanding of how to live.
My PSA started rising again a few months ago. We got about 18 months out of the first protocol, the first counterattack against the disease. The next protocol in line is a very expensive drug, a daily set of pills, that cost around $10,000 a month. Our insurance will only pay for so long before we hit the lifetime maximum, so we were hoping for a drug trial that included the drug we need. We were very fortunate to have one offered to us and I began taking those pills about 3 weeks ago. The side effects are uncomfortable, mild nausea, mild headache, feeling the need to take a 10 minute nap before bedtime so I have the energy to pray before sleep.
Included in the trial are body scans, bone scans, heart monitoring, endless vials of blood draws, a hand-written diary and an electronic tablet to track pain medications if they are needed.
And appointments.
The next one will be all day. I'll arrive, fasting, in the morning where they will draw blood. An hour later, 2 hours later, 4 hours later. Add it up and it's an 8 hour visit. Can't wait. I already look like a heroin junkie in the crook of the elbow after a blood draw.
It's too early to know if it's working, but we are hopeful. Remaining time is so compressed. Not five months compressed like it was for my sister, but when you start a new protocol, you kind of think it's going to work for a year or two. Then they tell you that 4 months is common before cancer figures out how to defeat the new protocol. Average effectiveness is only 8 months. They say some people blow through all the protocols really fast and then their body is defeated, life taken, death imminent.
Did you know that the Orthodox Church prays for the dead every single week in the Divine Liturgy? There are also several very special prayers for family members, loved ones, Orthodox and Non-Orthodox. Even prayers for evil men who have died, as their suffering must be great, and if Christ loved them, so should we. So we pray.
Juli's mom passed away this year and so Juli and I prayed every day for 40 days a simple prayer "for the departed." A short time ago, a beautiful young girl perished in a horrible car accident. Her parents served with us at our former church, and our daughter served children together with this sweetheart of a girl. Her death was sudden, real, and untimely. There is no way to soften that blow. Every night for 40 nights I prayed the Akathist for those who have fallen asleep, a beautiful poetic arrangement that teaches about death as well as providing a way for the living to ask: "O Lord of unutterable love, remember thy servants who have fallen asleep."
"Memory Eternal." A phrase used often in the Orthodox Church to encourage others in the midst of death. Somebody dies, and nearly all the comments are "memory eternal." I didn't exactly get it. Whose memory? Who is doing the remembering? Are we hoping people will remember the departed? I asked the question in a closed Orthodox FaceBook group and received some wonderful answers. It is a prayer. A prayer to God, asking Him to remember the loved one. In essence, please accept the name of our loved one in the Lamb's Book of Life. But what is it derived from? It must be an abbreviation, but of what? In our Divine Liturgy we often hear a person named such as a Metropolitan, Archbishop, President of the United States, or "all those in authority" followed by the phrase "May the Lord our God remember in his kingdom..." Was that it?
A priest in the group finally explained that it comes from the final prayer of an Orthodox funeral service, pasted here directly from the service book:
Priest: May Christ our true God, Who rose from the dead, have mercy on us; He Who as Immortal King has authority over both the dead and the living. Through the intercessions of His spotless, pure, and holy Mother; of His holy and just friend Lazaros, who lay in the grave four days; of the holy and glorious forefathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob; may He give rest to our brother (sister), who has departed from us, and number him (her) among the just and holy, through His goodness and compassion, as our merciful God.
Everlasting be your memory, O our brother (sister), who are worthy of blessedness and eternal memory. (3).
It is a corporate prayer to God to "remember" our loved ones! To be alive in the mind of God is to truly live. That time between our death here and our resurrection with new incorruptible bodies is a bit of an unknown isn't it? But the Church has lead the way in this as well. After reading the "final prayer" shared by the priest in that FaceBook group, I had tears streaming from my eyes as I imagined a funeral service that did not include an attempt to soften the blow of death, or list all the nice things I have done, while ignoring the fool I have often been, but a service that humbly recognizes death is ugly and painful, and there is only one place to turn, and the Church leads the way with humility and obedience to the throne of Christ.
None of us will get out of life alive. Shouldn't we be prepared?
Memory Eternal, for my parents, Darlene on this day especially, my other sisters and brothers who have passed, Juli's Grandmother and Mother, and sweet and precious Leah.
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