33. Cancer. Kicking Me To Kingdom Come.
By now you know I love the connection between obedient lions, my namesake Daniel of Lion's Den fame, and my description of cancer as a lion backed into a corner, not asleep, not dead, but rather waiting for a chance to pounce.
Well, I met some more lions today. An account of the martyrdom of Virginmartyr Glyceria at Heracula in the 2nd century is detailed here, and concludes with: "The lioness meekly crawled up to her and lay at her feet. Finally, the saint prayed to the Lord that He may take her unto Himself, and a second lioness was loosed upon her, pouncing on her and killing her, but refused to tear her apart."
Can you imagine the scene? If you read the account you will see that Glyceria was saved from injury several times, and was miraculously healed from injury multiple times as well. Her example helps me view my life as it stretches through eternity rather than being myopically focused on the physical present. When she was healed, it resulted in the repentance and transformation of others, yet the tortures continued, and more souls were saved with each miraculous intervention by angels sent from God. Glyceria was determined to obey to the death, and though a simple recanting of her faith would have ended the physical suffering, she refused and was eventually sent to the wild beasts. What I am left with, again, is the reality that everything in God's creation is subject to Him and obeys Him. The first lion obeys God and refuses to do what lions do. The second lion obeys God at the request of the saint and separates her soul from her body, yet refuses to do what lions do, instead, ignoring the bloody feast before it.
From my last post, you know that I was scheduled for surgery following a visit to Texas to see the Dunn family, but while there had experienced a syncope incident. The surgery was delayed on returning home and after enduring a day of tests and being scheduled for more tests, it was determined that there was no barrier to having the planned surgery as all tests related to my heart and other areas confirmed I was fine and not of great risk of dying on the table. Yay.
The surgery itself was a variable in my treatment plan. Unfortunately, medical costs cannot simply be ignored and I was very concerned that I would drain our financial resources and, worst case, die early and leave my precious wife penniless. Since the primary way to attack Prostate Cancer is through the elimination of testosterone, Prostate Cancer patients are usually started on Lupron injections of various intervals. The interval deemed most effective for me was quarterly. So four times a year I went in for a Lupron injection, administered by a very kind woman at UC Davis who always had a pleasant conversation with Juli and I before requesting I expose my buttock so she could jam a needle in. I am certain that these Lupron needles are then disinfected and repackaged as tent pegs.
The treatments seemed to be working as my PSA was being maintained in the 0.7-0.8 range, although we were getting ready to pull the trigger on a new treatment plan when the PSA initially shot up to 0.8 from 0.1. Fortunately, the lion has obediently remained in the corner and the PSA has remained at the current level for about 6 months now. However, as a retiree from a private company with a private insurance plan, we are subject to a $500,000 lifetime maximum, and we have been burning through it pretty fast with Lupron injections going for $15,000 to $18,000 a shot. Add in a syncope test, a couple body scans and MRI's and pretty soon you're thinking about selling the house and living under a bridge.
Surgery is a lesser known option to replace the need for Lupron and the surgery after insurance company discounts came in at less than one Lupron injection. For the sake of our financial future I opted for the surgery and it was completed about 10 weeks ago. One massive hole in the resources bucket is therefore plugged and the side effects, though permanent now, are not much different from being on Lupron. I was never likely to be free from those side effects anyway short of a miraculous healing.
But do I want to be healed? Should I want to be healed? I'm not so sure. I like what cancer has done to me. I see women with scarves on their heads now to cover baldness from chemo and I feel love for them. I see the commercial on TV that shows a woman with her chest wrapped in layer upon layer of gauze after a double mastectomy and I tear up. I see men walking out of the cancer clinic with their son or daughter or wife holding onto them to steady them and I see unselfish love on display. I care about people more and I desperately want God to find me faithful though I'm still pretty bad at it. I would much rather die an old man with cancer and be counted among the saints then be healed today, forget what pain and suffering has taught me, and live a few pleasant years without God looking upon me with pleasure, though He will always look upon me with love.
My mother-in-law recently passed away after suffering a 4 year decline in mental health. She was a giver. An OBGYN nurse who was much loved by her patients for the tender care she offered. When the tables were turned, and she was the one in need, the unselfish display of quiet love from her husband, my father-in-law, was epic. The unselfish giving toward her from my wife and from her sister, brother, and sister-in-law was beautiful though incredibly difficult and lacking in earthly reward. When people are in need, love shows up.
Love is a powerful motivation, and I am convinced that when one learns to love others through suffering, it is not a bad thing. I am equally convinced that when one suffers no hardship, one begins to expect it as though it is their right, to the damnation of anyone who dares reduce their chances of a "best life now."
Imagine how I would be if my decisions were made not from pragmatism, or ideology, or pure darkest self-interest, but rather from love?
Virginmartyr Glyceria understood when she chose to suffer death through obedience to Christ rather than obedience to godlessness. The lions understood as they went against every animal instinct and obeyed the higher instincts from their Maker. I am personally suffering from hot flashes that come on with the slightest exertion or no exertion, in the warmth of the house or the chill night air of Spring. I am quickly and often out of breath with a walk up the stairs, or standing up and walking to the kitchen. The cancer in my pelvic bones is becoming a bit obvious, feeling as though I got my behind kicked, literally, by a steel toed boot, always there, always just short of a throb in intensity, not responding to posture change or position change while seated or lying down. Suffering. If it helps me become like Christ and love others, it is worth it. I am just beginning to understand.
Well, I met some more lions today. An account of the martyrdom of Virginmartyr Glyceria at Heracula in the 2nd century is detailed here, and concludes with: "The lioness meekly crawled up to her and lay at her feet. Finally, the saint prayed to the Lord that He may take her unto Himself, and a second lioness was loosed upon her, pouncing on her and killing her, but refused to tear her apart."
Can you imagine the scene? If you read the account you will see that Glyceria was saved from injury several times, and was miraculously healed from injury multiple times as well. Her example helps me view my life as it stretches through eternity rather than being myopically focused on the physical present. When she was healed, it resulted in the repentance and transformation of others, yet the tortures continued, and more souls were saved with each miraculous intervention by angels sent from God. Glyceria was determined to obey to the death, and though a simple recanting of her faith would have ended the physical suffering, she refused and was eventually sent to the wild beasts. What I am left with, again, is the reality that everything in God's creation is subject to Him and obeys Him. The first lion obeys God and refuses to do what lions do. The second lion obeys God at the request of the saint and separates her soul from her body, yet refuses to do what lions do, instead, ignoring the bloody feast before it.
From my last post, you know that I was scheduled for surgery following a visit to Texas to see the Dunn family, but while there had experienced a syncope incident. The surgery was delayed on returning home and after enduring a day of tests and being scheduled for more tests, it was determined that there was no barrier to having the planned surgery as all tests related to my heart and other areas confirmed I was fine and not of great risk of dying on the table. Yay.
The surgery itself was a variable in my treatment plan. Unfortunately, medical costs cannot simply be ignored and I was very concerned that I would drain our financial resources and, worst case, die early and leave my precious wife penniless. Since the primary way to attack Prostate Cancer is through the elimination of testosterone, Prostate Cancer patients are usually started on Lupron injections of various intervals. The interval deemed most effective for me was quarterly. So four times a year I went in for a Lupron injection, administered by a very kind woman at UC Davis who always had a pleasant conversation with Juli and I before requesting I expose my buttock so she could jam a needle in. I am certain that these Lupron needles are then disinfected and repackaged as tent pegs.
The treatments seemed to be working as my PSA was being maintained in the 0.7-0.8 range, although we were getting ready to pull the trigger on a new treatment plan when the PSA initially shot up to 0.8 from 0.1. Fortunately, the lion has obediently remained in the corner and the PSA has remained at the current level for about 6 months now. However, as a retiree from a private company with a private insurance plan, we are subject to a $500,000 lifetime maximum, and we have been burning through it pretty fast with Lupron injections going for $15,000 to $18,000 a shot. Add in a syncope test, a couple body scans and MRI's and pretty soon you're thinking about selling the house and living under a bridge.
Surgery is a lesser known option to replace the need for Lupron and the surgery after insurance company discounts came in at less than one Lupron injection. For the sake of our financial future I opted for the surgery and it was completed about 10 weeks ago. One massive hole in the resources bucket is therefore plugged and the side effects, though permanent now, are not much different from being on Lupron. I was never likely to be free from those side effects anyway short of a miraculous healing.
But do I want to be healed? Should I want to be healed? I'm not so sure. I like what cancer has done to me. I see women with scarves on their heads now to cover baldness from chemo and I feel love for them. I see the commercial on TV that shows a woman with her chest wrapped in layer upon layer of gauze after a double mastectomy and I tear up. I see men walking out of the cancer clinic with their son or daughter or wife holding onto them to steady them and I see unselfish love on display. I care about people more and I desperately want God to find me faithful though I'm still pretty bad at it. I would much rather die an old man with cancer and be counted among the saints then be healed today, forget what pain and suffering has taught me, and live a few pleasant years without God looking upon me with pleasure, though He will always look upon me with love.
My mother-in-law recently passed away after suffering a 4 year decline in mental health. She was a giver. An OBGYN nurse who was much loved by her patients for the tender care she offered. When the tables were turned, and she was the one in need, the unselfish display of quiet love from her husband, my father-in-law, was epic. The unselfish giving toward her from my wife and from her sister, brother, and sister-in-law was beautiful though incredibly difficult and lacking in earthly reward. When people are in need, love shows up.
Love is a powerful motivation, and I am convinced that when one learns to love others through suffering, it is not a bad thing. I am equally convinced that when one suffers no hardship, one begins to expect it as though it is their right, to the damnation of anyone who dares reduce their chances of a "best life now."
"The beggar stretches out his hand not to ask, but to give you the kingdom of heaven, and you do not notice!" Elder Arsenie PapaciocAccording to one Orthodox priest, the problem in American politics today is a "poverty of love." Imagine how different politics would be if decisions were made not from pragmatism, or ideology, or pure darkest self-interest, but rather from love?
Imagine how I would be if my decisions were made not from pragmatism, or ideology, or pure darkest self-interest, but rather from love?
Virginmartyr Glyceria understood when she chose to suffer death through obedience to Christ rather than obedience to godlessness. The lions understood as they went against every animal instinct and obeyed the higher instincts from their Maker. I am personally suffering from hot flashes that come on with the slightest exertion or no exertion, in the warmth of the house or the chill night air of Spring. I am quickly and often out of breath with a walk up the stairs, or standing up and walking to the kitchen. The cancer in my pelvic bones is becoming a bit obvious, feeling as though I got my behind kicked, literally, by a steel toed boot, always there, always just short of a throb in intensity, not responding to posture change or position change while seated or lying down. Suffering. If it helps me become like Christ and love others, it is worth it. I am just beginning to understand.
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