31. Ignatius or Daniel?

My name is Dan. My parents named me Dannie, although I am convinced that the particularly unique spelling they used was a typo on the birth certificate, and as child #11 my parents really didn't have the energy to fix it. And it was certainly better than being referred to as #11! When I was old enough to want my name to sound a bit more masculine, I began to write my name as Dan and it stuck. My Dad's name was Raymond and his middle name was Daniel, so can you guess my middle name?

My mother, of blessed memory, often reminded me of the meaning of my name as I grew up. The name Daniel means "God is my judge." These days people do not usually know the meaning of their names, often because their parents were more interested in how the name sounded to their friends than in what namesake the child would be offered as a hero to live up to. I mean, how do you live up to the name Moonbeam? Or Rusty when your last name is Nail? Or Case when your last name is Beer? True story! And of course Case's middle initial was "A."

I loved bible stories as a child and I think my brother did as well as he was named David which means Beloved of God. My hero of course was Daniel the prophet, and I was especially mesmerized by the paintings in our family bible depicting Daniel in the lion's den. (And not that there is a shred of validity to horoscopes, but as a July baby, my "sign" was Leo - the lion!) My brother's hero was King David, occasionally depicted holding the severed head of Goliath. We got slingshots as kids and I tried to avoid being around my brother when he was practicing with it in case he decided to pretend I was Goliath.

What a legacy to be able to grow up with!

Juli and I have recently embraced the Orthodox Church with enthusiasm, officially becoming catechumens in a special ceremony on September 1, which also happens to be the beginning of the Church year. One of the things we were required to do was to select the name of a saint which we would be called by. Because of the depth of meaning of the name Daniel given to me by my mother, it was not difficult to choose the prophet Daniel as my saint. In the Orthodox Church, saints are celebrated on their own particular day each year so it is special when your saint day arrives, and the Prophet Daniel's feast day is December 17th.

Since you are not expected to automatically choose a saint with your given name (I have yet to read about Saint Moonbeam) you might spend time reading about many different saints and see if you identify with one in particular. In my case, as I began the process of choosing, I was touched and inspired by St Paisios of Mt Athos when I discovered that he had prayed to be given cancer so he might better identify with and minister to those, like myself, who are suffering from cancer. God granted him his prayer. I seriously considered receiving Paisios as my saint name.

Another saint I was very impressed with was from the first century named Ignatius. He wrote many epistles to the early church with similar themes as you might see in Paul's letters. Like many first century Christian's, Ignatius was martyred, killed for having the audacity to believe and teach that Jesus Christ is the son of God, is in fact God, and worthy to be worshiped, and worshiped to the exclusion of all others. Including the king. Which really made the king angry.

Ignatius was killed by lions in the arena by order of the king.

But like St Paisios, St Ignatius might have avoided martyrdom rather than asking for it and embracing it. He is reported to have rejected any and all offers of rescue, refusing to abort his journey, choosing instead to die for the gospel knowing that the message of Jesus Christ from his lips and pen would have greater impact if he died in the mouths of lions rather than as an old man choking on a fishbone.

I have loved our introduction to icons in the Orthodox Church as they are history written in image and more, they represent people who still live, though without body - a topic for another study. Though as a lifelong evangelical, I have always believed that just as Jesus said to the thief on the cross, "Today you will be with me in Paradise," we continue to live after the deaths of our bodies, looking forward to the resurrection. One icon of Ignatius I saw was the coolest I had seen so far as he is depicted standing in the arena looking to God while 4 lions bite him. The lions have faces with humanlike qualities which struck me as appropriate since the lions were being used as instruments of death by people. Lions are really good at biting. It's what they do, so why blame the lions?

When I finished chemotherapy in June, my PSA was at 0.1, something we were very pleased with, yet we knew that the normal course of Stage 4 prostate cancer cells is to regroup as the therapy resistant cells gather and multiply and go on the attack again. Because my numbers were low, the standard of care is to wait 3 months or so before checking the numbers again, so I've not had a blood test since June. When people ask me how I'm doing, I have to admit that it has been nice not to have to think about cancer, but the reality is that it is still dangerously near to me. I began to think that a good metaphor for what I was experiencing was the image of a cornered wolf. It's contained, maybe sleeping, but is a cornered wolf really contained if it is not dead?

So today was my first blood test since June and the wolf is alive and coming out of the corner with teeth bared. My PSA has gone up to 0.4, a number that in itself is small, but potentially represents a pace of increase that could rapidly get out of control. As a result, today has been a bit hard for Juli and I as our hope for months of respite have been dashed, replaced with a humble submission again to the loving hand of God - "for He is good and He loveth mankind" - an Orthodox phrase used often in prayer. And in spite of the specter of continued pain and suffering, we do trust Him to love us perfectly, to guide us through, even to death sooner rather than later - for we all die sooner or later.

So back to Daniel and Ignatius. I have been meditating tonight on the wolf as you might imagine, and then something really sweet happened in my thoughts. I began to picture lions rather than a nasty snarling wolf. When I reimagined the cancer as lions, I was given two incredibly beautiful images to embrace. To embrace without fear!

In one image, I am St Ignatius, not only accepting death by lion, but seeking it for the sake of obedience to Christ and for the sake of others. Literally traveling a road to a city where he knew his life would end in an arena as a public spectacle, Ignatius was surrounded, stalked, then attacked and robbed of life by the powerful jaws of beasts. My sister died last year after a few short months from a vicious cancer. A friend I wrote about in an earlier post died recently after just a few short months of battling cancer. People die from cancer. If I must die from cancer, can I not embrace it for the sake of the purification of obedience to Christ and to display the beautiful peace given to men who serve Him? "For He is good and He loveth mankind."

In the other image I am Daniel, choosing to pray to God in a fearless act of disobedience to an earthly king, in humble obedience to the King of Kings. Thrown into a den of lions to be eaten alive, Daniel stands serenely with his hands behind his back staring toward the heavens with peace from God warming his face as he trusts his life to The Good One. The lions walk near him, watch him, yet leave him alone because they too must obey the King of Kings. My cancer will obey God. It MUST obey God, so if God has chosen to spare me as he did Daniel, then I will feel His peace as I look to God in obedience while cancer circles around me, impotent to do physical harm.

I didn't choose the name Daniel as my saint name with this analogy in mind, but perhaps God in His infinite wisdom has led me to this analogy to encourage me to not give up hope in the face of the beast of cancer. Either way the beasts will obey, and I will as well.