20. I'm Bleeding. Or It's Berry Juice.

There is a resident in our neighborhood who at first exposure can seem pretty scary. A couple of weeks ago I heard yelling outside and looked past the blinds to see a young man in his mid-twenties with a thin goatee and pants worn in the current belt-at-the-kneecaps style, shuffling back and forth in the middle of the street. He would move out of the way for cars as they drove by, but then he would walk right back to the middle of the street and pace, all the while gesticulating with his hands.

For two hours.

He would occasionally laugh uproariously as he walked and I snuck a peak to see who he was laughing with. Nobody. It reminded me of ancient American history when bluetooth earpieces came out, and how silly people looked walking around without a phone to their ear, yet talking as if carrying on a conversation with their imaginary friend. I even remember overhearing one man as he told his imaginary friend that people were staring at him.

As it got dark and the yelling and pacing continued (while holding his pants up with one hand) I began to imagine that my wife, dog, and property might be in danger of a home invasion and I considered calling the police to drive by and just check him out. I also considered walking over and introducing myself to him and his imaginary friend. But it was dark and I have cancer. Cancer can be a great excuse to avoid doing something you're too scared or lazy to do. I ended up watching the street and doing nothing and eventually he just went inside his own home and all returned to quiet.

A couple of days ago I was in the garage with Sophie our golden retriever when she began to growl. I looked up and the young man in question was in the street again with his "friend." I was wearing a mask over my face because nadir was just around the corner and I needed to protect my immune system as well as possible. But I thought to myself, "why should this young man be ignored and feared just because he is scary?" I responded to myself: "Because he IS scary!" "And I have cancer!" But I ignored myself and decided to walk out and get to know him. I brought Sophie just in case I needed to be rescued, and she carried a garden glove in her mouth for her own feelings of personal security.

There is a very interesting concept in Christian Orthodoxy that separates intellectual prowess from the ability of the heart of a person to pray and commune with God. It means that those who are intellectually weak can become significantly stronger theologians than those of us who can argue doctrine with cold undefeatable logic. My mentally-challenged neighbor has the potential to become a much stronger theologian than I. 

Yesterday, nadir was hitting me pretty hard. Nadir is the point in my chemo-cycle where my blood counts are lowest and I am most vulnerable to infection. It is important that I wear a mask around people and don't shake hands, and if I do I have to wash right away. I also get very fatigued and it doesn't seem like sleep helps very much. In nadir it is dangerous to get a scrape or a cut so among other things, I have been instructed not to floss because it could start a bleed that could then become infected, and I was further instructed to buy an electric razor rather than using a blade. For all the good a shaver does when you have no hair...

Yesterday my new friend was outside pacing and laughing as if nobody was watching, so I went out with mask and gloves (and Sophie) to converse with him again. Our interactions are certainly short and not very deep at this point, but he had a perplexed look on his face for a moment, and then with concern said "There is blood on your mask!" I thanked him and went back in the house to clean my nose and face up, and to take it easy as my beautiful nurse Juli continually warns me to do. (While threatening to kill me if I don't) As I was getting ready for bed last night I noticed that my phlegm was pink with blood, but then I laughed at my jumpiness as I remembered that I'd had juice with my dinner. But it continued. I'm still not sure which it was, berry juice or blood, but I'm doing my best to avoid causing a dangerous complication at the worst possible time in the cycle. Thankfully, my temperature (indicator of fever and infection) remains slightly low, but as the chemo nurse said, and I intend to keep reminding people, I am naturally cool.

Today I am reminded of the verse "Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart." Remember my neighbor in your prayers. May God make him a great theologian.